am i dreaming?
it seemed so real.
alive or dead?

it seemed like a drama show.
my tears was pouring. i knew that.
even when i was asleep.

why is that so?
my heart still ached.
for 12years since you were gone.
i never really called you or cared for you.
maybe i did but i don’t remember.
why do i have so little memories of you?

i really miss you.

what was this dream telling me?
to be on the run.
living amongst the dead.
when time was up for many.
you were in charge.
you could make yourself appear where ever you wanted.
i lived in fear.
daddy or jiejie was not dreamt of.

did you take them too?
my heart is sour.
my pillow is wet.
my hands are trembling.

is this a nightmare?
why?
when i so miss you.

you left without a word.
without a note.
without thinking how incomplete this family would be without you.

my wound is still not healed.
i really really miss you.
mummy. a word so foreign.
why? why? why?
i’ve got so many questions to ask you.
i’ve been praying that all this is a dream.
but i know it is not.

i thank God for all the blessing he has given me
but yet at times, i still do miss what he has taken away from me.

YOU.

why was this dream so scary?
are you asking me to give up?
how can i when you are something i never really had?

all i remember is that 1723223812 people telling me how i looked like you.
this pictures further reminded me.

should i love you or hate you?
afterall love and hate is just a fine line.
you hate because you loved too much.
i love you for all you have done for me.
but

i hate you for leaving me.
why?
when we could have many beautiful memories together.
what were you hiding?
you were not sick. but you chose to end it.

i rather believe you were still alive living at the other end of the world.
happy, with another ling, na and daddy.

i am a strong girl.
turning 18 soon.
i hope you will see how strong i am and would not come back.
i do not wish to touch the broken part of my heart.

no matter what, i still do acknowledge that you are my mother and i have loved you. my heart hurts. so stop remind me how much you’ve loved me. i do not want to mourn over something i long for but can never have.